I’m pretty satisfied in the amount of butt I kicked last year. So much so that I don’t feel the need to resolve to do anything this year. Yeah. I’m bragging. But I did do good last year. I ran a marathon. I visited New Orleans twice. I picked up some freelance writing gigs. I kept two children alive for another year. I think this year maybe I’ll drink more tea and maybe take a few more baths (mostly because we finally got a Lush store in Oklahoma). But I didn’t make resolutions last year and that seemed to work out just fine. So instead of making resolutions for myself, I’m making them for other’s self-improvement. I’ve selected these specifically because of their potential for impacting the entire planet.
For the other parents who drop their kids off at my kid’s school: I resolve that in 2012 you will pull all the way forward. This one is easy. All you need to do is wait to stop your car, have your kid unbuckle, find his backpack, give you a kiss and do whatever else it takes for kids to do in the 20 minutes it takes them to get out of the car and pull as far into the circle drive as you can. Then more people can get their car into the circle drive. People won’t get frustrated waiting in the street. So you see this is like one step in the direction of world peace. People go to work happy. They spread happiness. See easy peasy. Can we work on this?
For my kid’s school: In 2012 I resolve we determine a new solution for children who are being dropped off at school in cars. See above.
For network TV: I resolve that in 2012 you clean it up. I can remember as a kid laying on the floor of the living room watching The Wonder Years and The Cosby Show while my sister, brother and I cycled through the bathtub after dinner. I don’t remember a single KY or condom commercial. I remember Cliff and Clair having a strong and healthy relationship. You knew it existed. It was tender. I do not however remember them tearing each other’s clothes off as they ran up the stairs while the camera followed them into their room until they were actually engaged in coitus. And there certainly weren’t any shows in which a man whored out to 25 girls narrowing them down one by one until he propose to the last one standing. I’m not asking you to go all prude. I can be rude, crude and inappropriate with the best of them. But do you think we can work on this? Put it in the after 9 lineup? I’m fine with the kids in those shows having sex and drinking.
For people getting on the interstate: In 2012 I resolve that you will learn how to yield. Yes. You. That red triangle sign that says YIELD real big. That is there for you. I want to make sure we’re on the same page here in case you missed the day of driver ed when Yield was discussed: Yield is not just a Pearl Jam album. According to Merriam-Webster, it is a verb (which is an action word, so it’s something that you do) meaning: to give or render as fitting, rightfully owed, or required. That means when you are getting on the interstate you yield or render because it is fitting, the right of way which is rightfully owed to the people who are already traveling at 65 miles per hour and wait until there is a safe time at which you can enter the flow of traffic. We can do this!
For Occupy X Placers: I resolve in 2012 you turn your attention to the BCS. Wallstreet may be gross, but check out how capitalism and greed have turned college football into a commercially sponsored competition of money and not talent. Go get’em.
For the BCS: I resolve in 2012 you dissolved and work out a more normal way of determining who is good at football. See above. See also playoffs.
For Ticketmaster and other ticket outlets: In 2012 I resolve that … You know what? You know what you need to do. Just do it.
For people who have too much money: In 2012 I resolve that you really consider your purchases. Presumably you worked hard for your money and you deserve to enjoy it. But just consider this: Instead of buying a $60,000 or more car, you could buy a really nice $40,000 car and then give the other $20,000 to help bring water to the 1 in 3 people in the world who don’t have it. The second leading cause of death for children in the world is diarrhea, in large part because of inadequate access to water. Water4 is a great organization looking for donations to help provide wells. You can find out how to donate your 20k at www.water4.org. Also people DIE because they don’t have enough to eat. Is a $2 million dollar engagement ring really necessary if you throw it up against that? If you would like to help with this see UNICEF or your local food pantry, soup kitchen or homeless shelter. And lastly a lot of really great medical research, hospitals and treatment centers are lacking funding and primary care in the US is pretty poor. Consider donating to research, hospitals, medical schools or scholarship programs. Get out there and do good people with too much money!
For the city of Norman: I resolve in 2012 you fix the pedestrian-car traffic gridlock at the intersection of Boyd and Asp. Here are my two cents. East/west car traffic. Pedestrian traffic. North/south car traffic. Pedestrian traffic. Repeat.
To the people of the planet: Relax, you’re not curing cancer. Well unless you are curing cancer, then keep doing what you’re doing. And do your best to make sure that thing that happened in I Am Legend doesn’t happen. That was kind of freaky. But really, smile. Say thanks. Be kind. Take some time. Go outside. Relax. You’ll be a much happier person. Plus if the Mayans were right, you only have about one more year. Don’t you want to spend it having fun and being happy and feeling good?
To drivers who don’t share the road: I resolve in 2012 you step out of your comfort zone and say kind things to cyclists and runners. People die when you don’t share the road. Isn’t sharing worth a human life?
There. Just a few suggestions for people in a position to make great progress toward global peace and happiness. Here is to a 2012 of global-improvement.